For some, self-sabotaging thoughts work as friendly reminder that boosts our motivation to get *ish done. After all, a little bit of stress is actually good for achieving your goals…
However, for many of us, the never-ending self sabotage sets us off like a ticking bomb, to the point where we give up before we even start. If you’re tired of putting yourself down and not meeting your goals, keep reading to get realistic instruction for self-improvement, developed with the help of a clinical psychologist!
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Originally derived from French, the word “sabotage” means to destroy, ruin, or wreck. Self-sabotaging behavior is a pattern of habits, actions, and unconscious decisions that are innately harmful and stop you from achieving your goals. Self-sabotage occurs in many realms of life, including professional and romantic relationships, but can be most often found in the world of academics.
The destructive behavior of self sabotage in students comes in many forms but all the manifestations stem from deep-seated negative beliefs we hold about ourselves that we use to numb or distract from underlying psychological distress.
In sum, we believe that we don’t deserve the good things this life has to offer or that they’re way beyond our reach. Even Freud speculated that self-sabotage derived from our unconscious beliefs, where innately all humans want to be free of responsibility and expectations, so they sabotage their efforts at success!
Whatever the reasons are, it’s important to nip these self sabotaging behaviors right at the root so you can do what you like, with a healthy self confidence and self esteem.
The Major Signs of a Self-Sabotage
As all difficult emotions, self-sabotaging can be viewed as a spectrum, depending on the negative consequences for our mental health. Different people self sabotage differently. Read on for signs of self-sabotaging behaviors and examples of self sabotage.
You blame others
Blaming others is a big red flag of self-sabotage! This could be anything from blaming your failing grade on that “terrible” professor or a difficult Physics class. Maybe you feel like you’re not performing as well on exams because your parents never helped you with your homework when you were younger!
You avoid taking responsibility for your life by consistently blaming external factors for your challenges, failures, or shortcomings. Self-sabotaging behavior of self-defeating accusing others can hinder personal growth, proper learning, and problem-solving.
You avoid challenges
Do you finally sign up for that class that will help you get closer to graduation or your career goals, then disenroll a few weeks in? Fear of failure is a huge reason people give up on their aspirations, and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, hindering personal and professional growth.
To some, it comes as a feeling that no matter what you do, it won’t make a difference, so why bother?
You engage in negative self-talk
How many of these sound familiar?
- “Why even bother? I’m going to fail anyway!”
- “I’m not smart enough for that class.”
- “I failed this test; I guess I’m not good at X subject.”
Negative thoughts like these can diminish motivation and resilience, making it more difficult to overcome challenges.
You engage in escaping or self-destructive behavior
Oh, how tempting it is to join everyone else in what they’re doing once you sit down to study. When it feels impossible to resist the urge to doom scroll or go on a weekend trip when you should be dedicating time to studying, it can become an escaping behavior. In worse cases, you have self medication habits up to drug abuse. This kind of behavior can also manifest as avoiding tasks altogether or going on a binge drinking spree with your college friends.
If it’s something that’s stopping you from getting things checked off your to-do list, it’s probably helping you escape them!
You overcommit
You find it hard to say no to your classmates or professors, and now those extra long hours are slowly eating into your personal time. Your stress levels rise, and the quality of your work slowly declines. When you overcommit, you tend to juggle everything, and nothing really gets done well, and you end up burnt out. Your intentions are good, but it’s time to be realistic when you only have so many hours in a day. Trying to do everything is a form of self sabotage, too.
You’re a perfectionist
Do you set high or unrealistic standards for yourself? Perfectionism often leads to a last-minute rush to complete tasks. This can elevate stress levels as you try to meet deadlines, leading to a negative impact on your mental health, self worth and emotional well-being.
It also keeps you in a vicious cycle of self-criticism, and this emotional burden can contribute to a cycle of negative emotions, making it harder to break the habit. Although it’s a great skill to be meticulous with your classwork, simply turning in assignments or projects is just as important.
You create conflict
Maybe you bring unnecessary drama to group projects, or you question the way your teachers present information. Psychologists agree that sometimes, we just don’t know how to be content.
We’re used to acting out of pressure and stress when solving problems, but when nothing bad is happening, we start to question our purpose. How do you handle life when things are going well?
You procrastinate
You wait until the last possible day to start a project or assignment! Instead, you self sabotage by cleaning your room or checking your social media accounts again. This one is a real slap in the face, and it can affect your life way beyond your studies!
Procrastinating gives you short-term dopamine boosts but will leave you feeling depleted after those boosts become less impactful. The long-lasting dopamine is the one you get from completing a challenging task or goal.
You feel like an imposter
Let’s play a game; never have I ever felt like I don’t belong in the room or deserve success. Imposter syndrome is a self sabotaging behavior that can make you feel so small. Maybe you’re knee-deep into your chosen career path and find yourself feeling even more out of place.
Imposter syndrome undermines your confidence and could potentially stifle your academic progress. The negative thought patterns creating low self esteem can make it difficult to fully embrace and showcase your actual abilities!
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging?
So you’re past the denial stage and realize you relate to certain behaviors above? You’re asking yourself, now what? Now take a step to end the self sabotaging and improve your mental health!
Practice Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is a critical first step when battling/overcoming self-sabotage and negative behaviors. Unfortunately, society doesn’t set you up to easily navigate life’s challenges right off the bat, and self-awareness becomes crucial. Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge and understanding of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.
Self-aware individuals have a clear perception of how their thoughts and actions align with their goals and values and the impact they may have on themselves and others. Self-sabotage can be seen as a literal barrier between your motives and desires and fulfilling your goals.
- Set aside time for intentional self-reflection. Jot down your values, fears, goals, and any experiences that help you better understand yourself. Don’t hold yourself back from writing anything you feel would help you understand yourself better.
- Pay attention to emotions. Acknowledge and label your emotions. Understand the triggers behind different emotions and how they influence your behavior. For example, maybe you get frustrated at your teacher, and after some reflection, you realize you’re actually feeling anxious about an upcoming deadline for another class.
- Practice self-compassion and positive self-talk. Cultivate curiosity about others and limit your judgments. “Getting in other people’s shoes” can significantly enhance your interpersonal awareness and emotional intelligence. Empathy will allow you to see how everyone struggles and in turn, will help you be more gentle to yourself!
Explore Your Real Strengths and Weaknesses
Acknowledge and get comfortable with your fears and insecurities. We’re all inherently unique, and your experience is not anyone else’s to live through. Once you’ve acknowledged your fears and self-sabotage patterns, talk about it with someone you trust, and start to break down the stigma around it.
What are your best qualities and skills? What are things you know you don’t excel at? There’s absolutely no shame in something not being your thing. See it as a way that makes you unique, leaving no room for unnecessary self sabotage.
Once you identify the areas of your life that need a bit of tweaking, you can start developing strategies to overcome your challenges, including those self-sabotaging behaviors.
Accept and Learn from Your Mistakes
We’re so accustomed to witnessing other people’s successes on social media that we completely bypass the struggles and mistakes they made to get there. The only way to true growth is through making mistakes and learning from other people’s mistakes as well.
To think otherwise is a form of self sabotage! See mistakes as opportunities for potential growth and stepping stones to success. When you fail an exam, asses how you can do better on the next one. Don’t let failing one exam or even one class dictate the rest of your academic success!
Ditch the Negative Self-Talk
Watch how you talk to yourself to see the self sabotaging behaviors that impact your life. That voice in your head spewing critiques and setting limits for yourself is detrimental to your growth! The practice of self-awareness will help you to start becoming aware of your negative self-talk.
Once you catch the moment of low self esteem because “inspired” by inner critic, you can start by gently rejecting its command. For every self-sabotaging thought your mind generates, think of something to counteract it.
For example, if your mind tells you not to raise your hand in class because you’ll sound dumb, tell the voice that what you have to say is important and you feel like sharing it!
Who’s the Imposter Now?
The rippling effects of imposter syndrome can cause long-term negative outcome, and everyone experiences a little bit of this self-sabotage at some point in their lives. Some helpful ways to own your successes and accomplishments are to:
- Seek out mentorship from individuals who have faced similar challenges.
- Trust only high quality sources.
- Let go of your past traumas.
- Challenge perfectionism and self-sabotaging behaviors.
- Create positive self-talk that counter imposter syndrome and boosts self esteem.
- Accept and embrace constructive feedback as a tool for improvement rather than viewing it as a confirmation of your inadequacy.
- Visualize your own success, independent of other people’s ideas about it.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Our youth is such an essential time for growth and setting goals, but it’s so easy to fall into the self-sabotage trap, resulting in becoming our own worst enemy. We are particularly vulnerable at this stage of life as we figure out our identity, career goals, and sometimes the much-dreaded future. Ask yourself:
- How many self-sabotaging signs do you identify with?
- Do you allow yourself to be happy? What stops you from enjoying small milestones like completing projects or turning in assignments on time?
- How can you incorporate self-awareness into your day?
- What are some ways you can counterattack the negative self-talk?
When to Seek Help
Most of the time, you can catch your self-sabotage before it sends your life into a downward spiral, but if you find negative self-talk or procrastination ruining your life, it might be time to seek help!
Start by talking with someone you trust, a family member or a teacher. Or it might be time to get professional help, a mental health professional to help you get through the rut of self-sabotage! Rest assured that there is hope, as there are plenty of resources and opportunities for help.
Conclusion
Overcoming self-sabotaging is all about confronting your biggest fears and obstacles in a mindful and welcoming way. It’s not about achieving overnight success or being completely fearless.
Ditching self-sabotage involves self-awareness and empathy. It will push you to recognize and challenge limiting beliefs, self doubt, low self esteem. Those are forms of self harm.
Instead of negative thinking, you can develop a growth mindset and cultivate resilience.
Embracing failure as a natural part of the learning process can help individuals ultimately break free from self-sabotaging behaviors and pursue their goals with greater confidence and determination.
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